Before committing ourselves to the expensive and time consuming process of testing we devised some experiments (see diagram 1 & diagram 2). They involved a mattress and some chocolate. In short, the density of the chocolate product in question was deduced by the compression factor of the mattress when the chocolate bar under test was dropped onto it from a fixed height. Having measured this displacement we would then use mathematics to see which was the densest. Lots of factors were taken into account. We then committed ourselves to the time consuming and expensive process of testing.

Unfortunately however our tests proved frustrating and inconclusive and time consuming and expensive. What should we do? We decided that the best course of action would be to spend some quality theorizing time in the lab doing some difficult computer modelling. At times it resembled the 1983 film “War Games”. It was during this process that we found out something extremely interesting if not shocking. We discovered that the Cadbury’s cream egg, according to our computer model, was not only the densest of all chocolate products but one of the densest things conceivable by the human mind (or computers). So dense in fact was the egg that it could only be a collapsed star or black dwarf. If one attempted to take a cream egg in one’s hand it would pass straight through it, into the ground (in this case in Dagenham) on through the Earth’s crust, slingshot around the Earth’s core and rocket out through the crust on the opposite side of the globe at the speed of a fast aeroplane. It would then only just be caught by the Earth’s gravitational field before being catapulted back to do the exact same journey in reverse. Thus setting up the pendulum effect (see diagram 3).

Naturally this would have grave consequences for the Earth's orbital stability and could send us crashing towards the sun like in that film. In order to counteract the effect an exact replica of the “egg-run” would have to be set up on an axis perpendicular to the first, this balancing out the gravitational fields. No fly zones would have to be set up around all four holes on the Earth’s surface. Also, exact replicas of objects that might get in the way of the eggs (birds, planes etc) would have to be kept at each exit point so that the potential destabilisation caused by such a collision could be mirrored at the other hole and the equilibrium maintained. Another problem was that the second “egg run” would have both exits in the middle of the ocean which would make it even more difficult, and possibly skew the results. However, even once a state of equilibrium was achieved, the Earth would still experience a slight ‘wobble’ every 3 minutes. It was also agreed that if this experiment was carried out, it would be the most dangerous thing ever.

In conclusion, we decided that the prohibitive cost, enormous man-power and massive, massive danger made the project unmangeable, and even if our model could somehow have been flawed, we decided it was safest to leave the cream egg on the newsagent’s shelf.

This year we are attempting something a little less ambitious.